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CORRUPT FASCISTS REUNITED.COM
(POSTED 16 04 04) Being a corrupt fascist dictator is a lonely business. Sure you get to meet fellow fascists at the occasional summit. But most of the time it’s just you and your gang, sitting round counting your loot, ordering the next atrocity and keeping the local media in line. Where are the laughs in that? Well Nazi-wannabes need worry no more thanks to a new website, Corrupt Fascists Reunited.com. Now fascist leaders across the globe can hook up online to swap wacky stories about the lighter side of their dictatorial lives. They can chuckle at how they ignore their ‘stupid’ populations! Or maybe they can swap racist jokes about the pesky ‘foreigners’ they pretend to respect - but prefer to waste! Whatever they choose to do peaceniks everywhere should remember this: just because you’re a murdering fascist bastard - doesn‘t make you a bad person...
Blair surprises with tough words for Bush: "you old bastard - you’re the best, sir! Can I have your autograph for the kids?" he said bluntly.
OSAMA BIN BUSH
(POSTED 15 04 04) Osama Bin Framed, the famous international terrorist and former CIA employee, has been broadcasting to the world again. (Indeed he's such a regular broadcaster it's rumoured he’s been offered Howard Stern’s old job). Bin Bush said ‘I have released this tape in order to turn complex world events into a simple battle of good against evil. This plays very well with the rednecks who I want to vote for my friend Mr Bush at the next election. Not that it makes a difference whether they vote for him or not frankly - didn't affect the result last time.’ The tape failed to mention the massacre of 700 Iraqis in Fallujah which - when you think about it - is very odd indeed.
Bush backs Iraqi resistance: ‘I wouldn't like to be occupied - that’s why I play so much golf in fact’ he explained.
CORRRECTION
(POSTED 07 04 04) Spin-on-this would like to apologise for wrongly suggesting that the ‘UK chemical bomb plot’ story was obviously propaganda to distract attention from Iraq. We now realise this claim is totally unfounded. The story was - in fact - propaganda from ‘American intelligence sources’ to help Blunkett bulldoze through his plans to introduce biometric ID Cards in Britain, bringing us into line with US requirements. We apologise sincerely to the relevant authorities for jumping to conclusions.
Bush brings peace to Iraq: "they’ve argued for centuries but thanks to me seems the Sunnis and Shias have settled their differences and agreed to work together" he said nervously.
'CONVENIENT' TERROR ATTACK STORY
(POSTED 06 04 04) The media is again under attack from a convenient terror story. The story was announced on the BBC by that posh man who always seems to announce these stories (he must have great terror contacts!) It’s thought the story has been made up to ‘bounce bad news about Iraq’ off the telly. The terror story is like all the others - so vague as to be completely meaningless, but enough of a story to satisfy the gormless twats who control media output. A spokesman said ‘the public is advised to exercise extreme caution with regard to terror stories. Ruthless men are behind these attacks on the media - they are fundamentalists with no regard for civilised values."
Bush defends more troops in Iraq: " Whatever it takes to ensure the election goes ahead as planned. The American election that is!" he winked.
'CONVENIENT’ TERROR ARRESTS MADE
(POSTED 30 03 04) Convenient arrests were today made across the country by the Metropolitan Police. A spokesman said triumphantly 'this proves all our propaganda crap about terror is right after all!' Fertiliser was found in a shed - thought to be 'significant' proof of terrorist activity. Alan Titchmarsh must be very worried along with about 10 million other people in Britain. The arrests are also convenient in diverting attention from the sinking Bush Administration ship whose lies are now leaking out at an alarming rate. A Home Office spokesman said they were delighted with the media response which - as usual - was ‘totally obedient and unquestioning’. It's thought the arrested men will later be released at a time when no-one notices.
Tory policy update: confirmation party now ‘tolerates poofs’ - but is still happy to‘casually whip up race hatred using immigrant scumbags’.
BLAIR: ‘SOONER WE’RE ATTACKED THE BETTER’
(POSTED 05 03 04) Tony Blair has made another speech trying to scare the crap out of the British public. Scary Blairy explained "what if someone blows the shit out of a few British people - then my ludicrous doom and gloom pronouncements will be proved true won't they! I’m not saying I want a massive terrorist act on British soil - but it might knock some sense into the scumbag public who seem to think I’m some kind of corrupt scaremongering war criminal working for the Bush administration." Blair then walked up and down the street wearing a sandwich board declaring -’the end is nigh’. In his case oh that that were true.
Bush explains phone call to John Kerry - "I wasn‘t being friendly I was just checking that our new bugging system works."
TONY’S IRAQI BOMBSHELL
(POSTED 05 02 04) Tony Blair’s pants may now be terminally on fire after he dropped an Iraqi bombshell in the House of Commons. Hans Blix couldn’t find any. David Kay couldn’t find any. But Tony dropped a big one live on telly for all to see when he claimed he didn’t know what sort of Weapons of Mass Destruction Saddam Hussein possessed. Meanwhile viewers enjoyed the new TV game show ‘Hoon’s Lie is it Anyway’ during which the usually bloodless reptile Geoff Hoon lost his rag and nearly ‘did a Lydon’! A Downing Street spokesman said "it’s time to move on - Lord Hutton specifically said Tony is NOT a corrupt lying warmongering bastard who’s days are numbered."
Janet Jackson in trouble for exposing breast: "Frankly if Americans want to see a right tit on telly they watch the president on CNN."
BBC RESIGNS
(POSTED 29 01 04) The BBC has resigned. In a statement to waiting reporters the BBC said "it is clear that with a decent Prime Minister like Tony Blair there is no need of a non-corporate independent voice in British journalism. I am resigning and from this point on all my duties will be undertaken by the Fox News Organisation of Mr Rupert Murdoch. Up to and during the Iraq war we pumped out as much of Mr Blair’s propaganda as he asked us to - clearly even that was not enough. We hope the lethal injections planned for Mr Dyke and Mr Davies will draw a line under this matter - but we doubt it."
Acting BBC Director General denies it will now be in the pocket of New Labour - he was speaking to new Newsnight host Alistair Campbell.
HAVE YOURSELF A TERROR STRICKEN CHRISTMAS!
(POSTED 23 12 03) The US government has told its people: "tis the season to be jolly scared". Tom Ridge, Knucklehead of Homeland Security, explained "Dere’s bad guys out dere boss. We gotta gettem boss - pass de violin case and let me attem!" But the warnings have struck a sour note with the American public. One said "I don‘t know how scared to be. Should I be nicely scared - like in a movie. Or shitting my pants - like in a life and death situation? The guidance on this is very poor." A spokesman for the Bush administration winked "just remain scared enough not to notice we’re filling our pockets with taxpayers’ dough!"
Blair hails ‘historic’ Libya WMD treaty: "wow - who knows guys, maybe Wales next?" he beamed at a press conference.
CIA MAN CAPTURED
(POSTED 15 12 03) A former servant of the CIA - a Mr Saddam Hussein - has been arrested in Iraq. While working for the American government it is believed Mr Hussein was involved in a catalogue of murder and mayhem. Speaking on TV a delighted Mr George W Bush said " I look forward to Mr Hussein taking the stand and naming the guilty men who armed and funded him over a period of 3 decades. I’ve always wondered what sort of ruthless sons of bitches would actually befriend and employ a guy like this." Bush then winked and added "jest hope nut’n happens to heem before we get heem to that there International Crim’nal Court..."
Saddam tactics proved his downfall: " disguising himself as Osama Bin Laden wasn’t his best move..." said one security expert.
MEDIA: ‘DEAD AFGHAN KIDDIES NEED MAX CLIFFORD’
(POSTED 11 12 03) Britain’s media has been explaining why the deaths of 15 Afghan children at the hands of the US Military is ‘not front page news’. A senior media twat explained "cot death babies - that’s news. Murdered British kids - that’s news. 15 Afghan children blown to shit by American soldiers in the country where we ‘won the war 2 years ago’ - that’s just going to confuse people." Deflecting criticism he added "look, maybe the bereaved relatives should try Max Clifford. Max understands media and I’m sure he could come up with a sexy angle that we might be able to use. I mean at the end of the day it’s all showbiz isn’t it!"
Hoon explains why Britain is sacking soldiers but buying hi-tech drones: "the Bush Administration doesn’t have stocks and shares in soldiers..."
DOWNING STREET: ‘GOD NOT PAYING DEBTS’
(POSTED 28 11 03) A Downing Street spokesman has categorically denied that a series of Blair health scares are some manner of divine scheme by God to ‘pay debts without money’. The spokesman insisted "for a start, God doesn't exist so this is obviously superstitious rubbish. But - even assuming there is a divine higher power - why would he want to scare the shit out of Tony? Tony’s been doing His work for Christ’s sake!."
Spoof terror campaign continues: "these are the most significant arrests since the ‘Ricin plotters’ had to be released without charge."
BLUNKETT ‘BLIND DRUNK WITH POWER’
(POSTED 25 11 03) David Blunkett, the swivel-eyed (although to be fair he can’t help that he was born that way) power-crazed tabloid-addled right wing bearded tosser says he wants to ‘bang up asylum seekers’ kiddies’. When asked why he might propose such a disgusting and repellent idea he lisped "because, thanks to propaganda and the one party state I can propose anything I like and there’s nowt you can do about it!" Blunkett, smelling of guide dog hair and dried ‘beard drool’ enthused "thanks to my tough talking and action I’m helping to keep fascism at bay...NOT!"
Tony Blair slams Turkish bombers: "what sort of ruthless men could blow up innocent people on a regular basis like this? That's a rhetorical question by the way guys.."
MEDIA: ‘WAR ON TRUTH WILL BE RELENTLESS’
(POSTED 21 11 03) Britain’s media was in a high state of confusion (again) today presenting the story of bombs in Turkey as an ‘attack on Britain’. As far as Spin-on-this can ascertain, Turkey is not in fact one of the British Isles. This however didn’t stop Jack Straw marching up and down the streets of Istanbul acting as if it were. One embarrassed aide said "perhaps Jack thinks Turkey came as a job lot with Iraq". 95% of the people who died were Turkish and the bombs went off in Turkey - in case you were wondering. Meanwhile Mr Blair and Mr Bush showed their respect for the dead by turning a sleepy village into a militarised zone so they could have a pub lunch together. The menu included the specially brewed ‘George W Bush Bitter - alcoholic, think and rich with a big head.’
Bush says the war on terror will go on: "there’s gold in them there bombs!" he grinned, hugging his banjo.
BRITISH POPULATION ‘EXPELLED FOR BUSH VISIT’
(POSTED 13 11 03) The population of Britain is to be evacuated to an undisclosed destination (possibly the Azores) at the request of the Bush administration. A Whitehouse spokesman explained "the British people refuse to like our President and by definition that makes them terrorist suspects. They represent a clear and pretzel danger to the United States leader and must be neutralised. Sending them to an undisclosed island for 3 days is a sensible response and clearly in the interests of Freedom and Democracy." Bush aides deny they are visiting Britain with a shoot to kill policy "frankly with our friendly fire record, shoot to wound would be just fine."
Bush State Visit security steps into overdrive: "the FBI are bringing sniffer dogs - Downing Street is providing the poodle."
US - ‘IRAQ IS GETTING BITTER. SORRY - BETTER!’
(POSTED 27 10 03) Paul Wolfowitz - one of the Bush administration’s most senior creeps - has told a press conference things are ‘really great’ in the ‘new look privatised Iraq’. Brushing bomb debris out of his squinty eyes Mr Wolfowitz explained "see - under Saddam, Iraqis wouldn’t have dared bomb a hotel in which I was staying. Now, they’re free to bomb the shit out of anyone they want. Mmm - smells like Freedom to me!" Asked if he regretted America’s fascist invasion of Iraq Mr Wolfowitz scoffed " regrets? No way! Sure we could have done things better - but we’ll get those right when we invade Iran. Now - has anyone got a spare pair of underpants as mine seem to be rather soiled..."
Royal Family deny scandal " unless you mean the one about Prince Philip’s 3 in a bed with a donkey."
CHERIE AND THE PACEMAKERS?
(POSTED 20 10 03) It’s been revelaed that Tony Blair is ‘fitter than ever’. His new spin-free spokesman has declared "thanks to his heart going wrong yesterday, Tony is now healthier than he’s ever been in his life. In fact, in addition to his usual duties we are hoping to enter him for this year’s ‘World’s Strongest Man’ competition - that one on the telly where they pull trucks along with their bare teeth!" Others however were shocked when they heard Mr Blair had been taken to hospital - "never thought I’d see Tony using the NHS" said one.
Mr Bush has been welcomed everywhere he’s gone on his latest tour: "yes welcomed by 30,000 armed police and a 5 mile exclusion zone".
IAIN DUNCAN ‘BRENT’
(POSTED 10 10 03) Iain Duncan thing has stunned TV viewers with an amazingly uncanny impression of David Brent. Westminster politicians across the spectrum (from right to right) are desperate to reach out and connect with a wider audience and its thought Duncan thing’s wacky antics were part of this effort. Some however feel the stunt may have backfired. One horrified Portillo said "I thought the Brentmeister’s breakdancing was the most embarrassing thing I’d ever see - now this. As Finchy would say - and I shit you not - we’re fucked".
Bush tells US public supporting Iraq war is a good idea: " unless you want my ‘Patriot Police’ to come round and torture you!" he quipped.
ARNIE DENIES ‘ADMIRING GEORGE W BUSH’
(POSTED 03 10 03) Troubled wannabe politician Arnold Schwarzenegger has issued a denial that he ‘once admired George W Bush’. The shock claims may scupper his ambitions to be Governor of California. Arnie however was insistent " Look guys give me a break. There’s no way I’d express admiration for a fanatical warmonger like that" adding with a wink "although I’m not surprised - it ain’t the first time this week you guys are beating me up over my love of Bush!"
Blair government insist Nuclear bomb-making facilities will be found in Iraq "just have patience and give us the time to build them."
BLAIR WOWS TORIES
(POSTED 30 09 03) Tony Blair enjoyed a standing ovation from the Tory party conference today after promising to ‘bang up scrounging asylum seekers’, ‘bring in an ID card’ and ‘privatise lots of public services’. Blair also did his now famous ‘oooh missus - the scary bad terrorists might come and get you if you don‘t let me and nice Mr Bush bomb everyone’ spiel. Blair assured the audience he was happy if they disagreed with him because; "as a de facto dictator it doesn’t matter a shit what you lot think - I can do what I like. Catch you later suckers!"
Tony Blair says child poverty must disappear: "cos when they get to university they’ll be at least 15 grand in debt".
BUSH ‘BOMBING ALL OVER THE WORLD’ UK DATES
(POSTED 25 09 03) George W Bush visits Britain on 19 November as part of his ‘Bombing All Over the World Tour’. Bush intends to thank his "British fan base - or as they’re better known, Tony and Cherie!" It’s not known yet whether Bush’s visit is part of Blair’s Sun-backed Victory Celebrations marking the ‘glorious triumph’ in Iraq. Mr Bush will be assured a warm welcome and it’s thought thousands will throng the streets to show the American president just how much they appreciate what he’s done for world peace. Rumour is Bush also plans a walkabout - he’ll walkabout in the Queen’s back garden while his security guards shoot anyone who comes within a 5 mile radius. (Unless of course they’re disguised as Osama Bin Laden in drag).
US Military who shot Iraqi police found innocent after rigorous questioning - "we asked them if they were sorry and they said 'sort of.'"
SADDAM - OSAMA ‘DUETS’ TAPE PLANNED
(POSTED 17 09 03) Saddam Hussein is in talks with Osama Bin Laden’s agent to release a ‘Duets’ tape for Christmas. A Saddam spokesman explained " these two guys have been releasing stuff for a while now and the Yanks seem to lap it up. We figure getting the boys together in time for Christmas could help us - like the Occupation Forces - make a bit of a killing!" Full details have not been released but it’s thought the Christmas single is likely to be an adaptation of the Gloria Gaynor classic ‘I will Survive’.
Hutton Enquiry latest: "zz zzzzz zzzzz zzzzzz zzzzzzz zzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzz"
BLAIR: "VOICES MADE ME DO IT..."
(POSTED 12 09 003) Tony Blair has admitted all his decisions about the war in Iraq were decided by ‘the voices in my head’. He insisted it was his job as Prime Minister to ‘listen to the expert advice I am given - and completely ignore it.’ The shock admission came after it was revealed that nearly everyone in Britain thought the Iraq war was a crime against humanity. But as Mr Blair quite rightly points out "they’re not Prime Minister are they?" Blair hinted however that there may be method in his apparent madness "George tells me I’m going to make a killing when his dad arranges for me to gig round America ‘doing the corporates’. Actually, I suppose I should say ‘another killing!’"
Pentagon defend killing Iraqi police: " we can confirm we have created 10 attractive new vacancies for local people in the thriving Iraqi police force".
FASCIST IDOL
(POSTED 10 09 03) The world’s top fascist leaders will compete in a wacky new talent show demonstrating what TV bosses call ‘the lighter side of the average psychopathic dictator.’ The show is strictly under wraps but already the rumour mill is grinding. For example ‘which fascist is planning to reform his old college rock band for the Fascist Idol qualifier?’ And ‘which grotesquely fat fascist intends to stage a cake eating marathon in the style of Mr Creosote’! And most mysterious of all ‘which fascist plans a David Copperfield-style stunt making billions of American taxpayers’ dollars disappear into the pockets of his friends’. As Simon Cowell might put it - "every one a loser!".
Arms dealers defend their trade: "we create lots of jobs - in fact the body-bag business would collapse if it wasn’t for us!"
MILK FLOATS ‘TO BE FITTED WITH MINI-NUKES’
(POSTED 07 09 03) Britain’s Milk Floats are to be fitted with a new anti-terror ‘mini-nuke system’ following fears that the weapons industry isn‘t making enough money from the phoney War on Terror. A leading arms dealer explained "it’s tough to fit proper weapons on planes but Milk Floats adapt brilliantly. We thought about putting cruise missile launchers on trains but apparently Mr Blair told us there won’t be any trains in a few years time due to cuts."
London terror alert ‘organised by New Labour’: "makes a nice change to see a government actually admitting they were behind it..."
BRITISH MEDIA: ‘GOEBBELS WAS CLUELESS WIMP’
(POSTED 01 09 03) Top Nazi propagandist Joseph Goebbels has been derided by British journalists as a ‘wuss’ who, if he had been a real man would have ‘notched up a juicy book deal instead of topping himself’. British journalists insist Goebbels was ‘not as media literate as he reckoned’ and that if he’d played his cards right he could have ended up with his own radio phone-in show and possibly a light hearted sports forum on Sky. Further, had Mr Goebbels kept a diary it seems publishers would have queued up to offer him exclusive rights on his amazing ‘backstage tales’.
Alastair Campbell confirms he will take charge of National Grid: "no one knows more than me about keeping the country in the dark."
BUSH ‘NEXT WAR WILL BE EVEN BETTER’
(POSTED 27 08 03) George W Bush has promised the next war America starts will be ‘much better than Iraq’. Bush - the man who dodged Vietnam but loves boasting to soldiers - grinned in yet another speech to military veterans: "folks are sayin we got ourselves some kinda corporate fascist invasion in Iraq - what with TV pictures of our marines pointing guns at the little chillun’ an all. I’m sayin to those folks - ‘hell, what’s your point’! Whatever. But it’s important for our audience that we make the next war look different. We may get a new director - and we’ll certainly be using state of the art CGI techniques. Boy I can’t wait."
Hutton enquiry latest: "Captain Scarlett emphatically denies joining the mysterons."
BUSH ‘UN BOMBED BY FOREIGNERS’
(POSTED 20 08 03) George W Bush says the UN bombing was 'probably the work of foreigners who don’t belong in Iraq.' Bush explained "I don't think the Iraqis did this, doesn't make sense. Whoever did this has clearly had a lot of practise at blowing people up. It is totally unacceptable for foreigners to come to Iraq and bomb it. The UN is a fine body with the total respect of the Bush administration. We love those guys and all they stand for. Their vision of diplomacy over violence is one we share. Gonna be a shame to see the back of them. Anyways catch you later guys - I’ve got a game of golf to finish..."
Campbell diary extracts heard by Hutton: "Monday. Ring publishers and promise I won’t read out any juicy bits to enquiry."
BAGHDAD POWER ‘STILL OUT’
(POSTED 15 08 03) Baghdad is reeling from a 4 month power cut which - it’s thought - may have been caused by the US Military. However George W Bush sought to reassure angry Iraqis: "please be patient. My pledge to the people of Iraq is that soon you will have a superb American-style privatised power system. My friends at Enron are doing all they can to ensure that you, the previously oppressed peoples of Iraq, will shortly be enjoying the same privileges as the average New Yorker. Be not afraid of our sophisticated Western ways - instead learn to adore our superior culture. Hey Dick - you got a dime for the meter..?"
George W Bush statement on blackouts: " in the old days, after the second bottle of Tequila I couldn’t remember a fuckin’ thing..!"
FBI ‘ARRANGED TERRORISM’
(13 08 03) The FBI has been caught trying to arrange some terrorism. The shock news has US citizens puzzled. One bemused taxpayer said "I thought the FBI were supposed to fight crime - but here they are setting up arms deals. What on earth can it all mean?" One theory is that there just isn’t enough real terrorism happening in America to justify the War on Terror. One FBI officer confided off the record "this kinda bullshit get folks scared again - and that’s how we like the little critters!". Or it could be that Mr Bush and his administration aren’t a bunch of corrupt arms dealers and are simply doing their best in difficult circumstances - so leave the poor dears alone.
Alistair Campbell denies giving blow job to tramp: "I did not sex up that dosser" he insisted.
DIE RAGHEAD - AND HAVE A NICE DAY!
(POSTED 12 08 03) The Pentagon has announced a new ‘user friendly’ regime in Iraq. "We’re making our marines wear Smiley badges and also they’ll be handing out baseball caps to the bereaved relatives of anyone they murder by mistake" explained a senior military source. The move is in a bid to win hearts and minds and comes in response to puzzlement at the lack of a welcome for the US Military. Said one officer "what is it with these ragheads? Anyone would think we were a bunch of drugged-up trigger-happy stormtrooper rednecks killing their families. Some people will always find something to whine about won’t they..."
Hutton enquiry latest: " court drawings still really rubbish."
KELLY FUNERAL ‘GOOD DAY TO BURY BAD NEWS’?
(POSTED 050803) Tony Blair has apologised for authorising his staff to start insulting dead people before they are even buried. Blair explained "it is totally inappropriate to drag a dead body through the shit like this - we should have waited till after the funeral then rubbished him." As his wife sang a chorus of Yellow Submarine Blair insisted " as it says in the good book, let him who is without spin cast the first stone!" Blair grinned and added he intended to make it up to the Kelly family - "I’m sending Cherie along to the funeral to sing her latest single".
Plans in place to sterilise Tory bigots at Britain’s airports "we can‘t take the risk that these racist scumbags will breed" explained an asylum seeker.
BOB HOPE ‘STILL ALIVE’?
(POSTED 28 07 03) George W Bush is under increasing pressure to release photographs of American comedian Bob Hope amid Iraqi claims that the gagster is ‘still alive and planning to perform in Iraq’. Some have described the demands as sick, but Bush may yet cave in. A Whitehouse aide explained " many ordinary Iraqis do not believe Mr Hope is dead. They are worried this is just a ploy and that he will soon be flown into Baghdad to do some great big morale boosting benefit gig or something. Releasing mortuary pictures of Bob may not be tasteful - but if brings the conflict in Iraq to a swifter conclusion we have to consider it." In a national poll Bob Hope was voted America’s 2nd most famous comedian - one place behind George W Bush.
Shock as Cherie Blair is photo’d sharing her make-up secrets in the bedroom - " the shock is for once it’s not Tony sharing them..."
AM-I-SHOT-OR-NOT.COM
(POSTED 24 07 03) George W Bush has announced the introduction of a wacky new website guaranteeing fun for the whole family. Am-I-Shot-or-Not.com displays mock up photos of famous celebrities who may or may not have been shot dead by the US Military. All you have to do is spot the real ones to win a big cash prize. Bush grinned " with our cash prize bonanzas and cretinous deck of cards diplomacy we’re trying to make the War on Terror a fun brand with appeal to morons of all ages. Anyways don’t blame me. The faster we churn out this shit - the happier the media hoover it up! What can you do?"
Blunkett criticises BBC Asylum programmes: "typical of those scrounging bastards, coming over here and stealing our programmes" he fumed.
HITLER’S SISTER SHOT TO SHIT (tbc)
(POSTED 23 07 03) Hitler’s sister has been shot to shit, according to the US military. Tony Blair - visibly weeping with joy - declared "whenever I hear the news that the US military has shot a load of people to shit it makes me so proud to be an American." Donald Rumsfeld, speaking at a briefing grinned "once again the US Military has shown how we can turn bullshit into worldwide headlines at the drop of a press release. You’d think after the Jessica Lynch fiasco these media morons woulda learned their lesson - apparently not!" Meanwhile a cautionary note was added by an anonymous US Marine "I’m not sure we actually got Hitler’s sister - it looked more like that nice Iraqi family who run the coffee shop in Mosul to me..."
Blair promises to co-operate with Lord Hutton: " Oh yes, we’ll be working very closely together to ensure this all works out nicely" he winked.
SHE LOVES YOU BLAIR BLAIR BLAIR!
(POSTED 22 07 03) Tony Blair denies that duetting with his wife in a selection of old Beatles’ hits was an inappropriate way for a man accused of war crimes to behave. Grinning and clapping breathlessly Blair explained "on the contrary - this is surely completely APPROPRIATE behaviour. Anyone with the enthusiasm for creating death and misery that I have demonstrated is clearly psycopathically disturbed in some manner. Therefore this cheery singalong in front of the world’s media - at a time when the people of Iraq are under a brutal occupation and as I whip up support for the next war - is totally in character. So, back off killjoy - Cherie’s about to do her lap dance and then we're off to Cliff’s pad for more poptastic action!"
Heathrow Airport strike continues but support grows "yes, people have realised this means we may never have to let the Blairs back in again".
EVIL DICTATORSHIPS - A USERS' GUIDE
(POSTED 18 07 03) Tony Blair and George W Bush have helpfully explained to the world how to spot an ‘evil dictatorship’. Blair gushed "in an evil dictatorship there is no opposition. The government steals money from the people to buy weapons of mass destruction and line its own pockets." Bush nodded in agreement though had trouble pronouncing the word dictatorship. Blair continued "in an evil dictatorship journalists are intimidated by government henchmen - and scientists who step out of line are murdered in cold blood. As we’ve seen in Iraq." he added, hastily.
Survey finds Blair more famous than Robbie Williams: "yes, but unlike Blair Robbie will still have a career by Christmas."
BUSH: ‘OPERATION FEAR AND GREED’
(POSTED 15 07 03) George W Bush has spoken of his pride at the progress in Iraq of Operation Fear and Greed. Bush explained "levels of paranoia among our troops have never been higher. Our mission to win hearts and minds by beating up or killing any Iraqi people that stare at our men is on target. When Arnie recently stopped by to plug his movie in Baghdad it was no hideous bad taste coincidence - America is now truly the Terminator!" Bush grinned as he outlined future plans " now the War in Iraq is over - it’s time for the real fighting to begin. Peace must never be allowed to prevail, not while Mr Kissinger and my Administration rule this planet - so help me Beelzebub! Sorry, I meant to say 'God' - we can edit that out can't we?’"
Tony Blair says UK should be proud of Iraq "soon it will be just like Britain - a shit-hole where nothing works properly, owned by American Corporations."
BLAIR: ‘IRAQ WAR ALL A DREAM’
(POSTED 10 07 03) Tony Blair says he has no memory of tanks being deployed at Heathrow airport in an effort to scare the British public shitless. Mr Blair has also denied he ever mentioned that Saddam Hussein was about to nuke the crap out of the 'Western World' with his special ‘anthrax ricin bouncing bomb machine’. In fact Mr Blair says he’s not sure whether the whole idea of a War in Iraq isn’t just ‘something got up by the BBC’. Blair - sporting a rictus grin - insisted "I believe sincerely that every time I say ‘I believe sincerely’ the British media will always believe me sincerely. This is because thanks to extensive propaganda and church attendance I’m apparently the only politician in the world who isn’t a power-crazed corrupt lying bastard."
Blair responds to accusations that the US Military can now bang people up and kill them on a whim: " what a great idea...I must tell Geoff Hoon...."
GOEBBELS CLEARED
(POSTED 08 07 03) A committee of Nazi memorabilia collectors has found that "at no time did Mr Joseph Goebbels exaggerate or fabricate propaganda designed to further the cause of the Nazi Party." The committee - convened in the light of what Mr Goebbels has called ‘an outrageous attack on my integrity’ - have produced a report which concludes "Joseph Goebbels was simply doing his job based on the evidence supplied by the intelligence services. It is time for unfounded slurs to stop. We have found absolutely no evidence to support the claim that Mr Goebbels was some kind of war criminal. As far as we’re concerned the matter is closed."
George W Bush visits slave museum in Africa: " this idea of not paying workers could really catch on" he enthused.
BUSH: ‘PEACE IS FOR WIMPS’
(POSTED 70703) George W Bush tells the American people in his latest radio address "fuck peace - war suits me just fine!" Bush went on "maybe the terrible events of September 11th weren’t so terrible after all. In fact for me they’ve turned out a kinda blessing. Seems overnight I went from drunken redneck half-wit to world statesman who can’t be contradicted! Though 3,000 folks died that day - they didn’t die in vain. In their name (and without their permission) I’ve declared permanent war on the entire planet. I will not sleep til there’s a US soldier being shot at in every nation on the earth. That is my pledge. War may look like mindless brutality to you - but the Bush Administration bank managers tell a different story believe me! May God continue to bless America. May corruption flourish. And may the media continue to cover our tracks (as if I had to ask!) Amen."
Church of England shock announcement: "I’m afraid it’s true - Tony Blair’s halo has completely disappeared."
BERLUSCONI: ‘TAKE MY WIFE - PUHLEASE!’
(POSTED 03 07 03) Silvio Berlusconi - a man with close links to fascists as well as George W Bush and Tony Blair - has stunned the EU with his new stand up routine. Berlusconi, once the Jane MacDonald of his day, produced a string of one liners so offensive even Bernard Manning was forced to admit - "the time has come for me to hand my crown to the main man." But Berlusconi was unrepentant " The only thing I can see wrong with the concentration camp gag is maybe I need to update it a bit. D’you think it would work better if the punchline was ‘you’re like a guard at Guantanamo Bay?’"
Donald Rumsfeld says Iraq is not another Vietnam: "and anyway, so what if it was?" he added with a wistful ‘thinking of the good old days’ grin.
WAR STILL OVER...HONEST
(POSTED 24 06 03) Tony Blair has insisted the war in Iraq is ‘still over. Oh yes - it’s all done and dusted. This daily senseless slaughter and mayhem is a distraction. People said we’d be stuck in a quagmire - but where are the doomsayers now eh? Actually, don’t answer that question. Let’s just move on to the Olympic bid shall we? Or talk about something that really matters to the average Joe Blow in the block - like Royal security arrangements. But I can assure you there’s nothing to talk about regarding Iraq because that baby has been put to bed. Oh yes - that’s a project we can all be very proud of. That’s a New Labour winning item very much out of the Millennium Dome mould I’d say. Now then, about that Victory Parade..."
A bearded big mouth loony has helped to ruin the reputation of the Police - " yes we’re all fed up with David Blunkett" said one anonymously.
IRAQ: OFFICE CLEANER TO BLAME
(POSTED 04 06 03) Tony Blair is set to reveal that a gang of office cleaners was responsible for the war in Iraq. A senior Blair aide explained "there are cleaners working for the government who would like to see this administration fall. Who’s to know that they didn‘t mix up papers on Tony Blair’s desk and get him all confused. A bucket of soapy water isn‘t always what it seems." Suspicion has also fallen on a government gardener. A senior liar said " he spent all day in the garden and around the shed. It would have been easy for him to use the shears to cut and paste official documents."
Blair denies his Iraq lies represent the biggest British political scandal ever: "wait till we nuke North Korea before you make that judgement" he grinned.
BLAIR FACED LIES
(POSTED 29 05 03) Tony Blair was in Iraq today for what he described as ‘an historic occasion’. Blair explained "this is an opportunity for me to thank the British media for unquestioningly accepting my blatant lies and printing them relentlessly until they magically became fact. Thanks guys - I couldn’t have done it without you" Blair said he wouldn’t be going walkabout through Basra streets to accept flowers and gifts from the locals because " today isn’t about the Iraqi chappies - nice as the little A-rabs are. Today is about arms dealing, militarism and corporate profit. So come on guys. Less of the cynicism eh - and three cheers for democracy!"
Donald Rumsfeld says Iraq destroyed weapons before war began " I know this because Saddam told me over dinner last night" he added.
AL QAEDA RELOADED
(POSTED 22 05 03) Entertainment fans are flocking to their TV screens to watch the most awaited sequel in years. ‘Al Qaeda Reloaded’ is the follow up to ‘Al Qaeda - Terror Alert’ which grossed billions of dollars for the Defence and Pharmaceutical industries. All your fave characters return as ‘President Bush’ once again uses every propaganda technique in the book in an attempt "to reduce the American public into a drooling herd of pant-shitting gibbering babies so I can continue to get away with my crimes of corporate fascism!" Dennis Hopper’s performance as Bush is tipped for an Oscar and the film is set to run and run - well until the next war kicks off obviously.
Tony Blair dismisses legal doubts over Iraq War: "never trust a lawyer" he told colleagues Geoff Hoon, Mike O Brien, Jack Straw and Lord Falconer.
DOLLAR REFERENDUM ‘SOON’
(POSTED 20 05 03) Tony Blair has promised Britain will have a referendum on joining the Dollar ‘very very soon’. Blair denied that Britain would lose its independence explaining "Britain doesn‘t have any independence. Haven’t you noticed we’ve been more or less run from Washington since Thatcher. Although even she never dreamed we’d sell out this far. Then again what do I care, given the big fat wedge the Pentagon pay me - only kidding. No seriously, I’m really committed to the poor and needy - that’s why I’m front man for an American corporate system which will create literally millions of them!"
Bloated washed up terrorist’s body spotted on Israel beach - "apparently it was Ariel Sharon sunbathing."
GOVERNMENT ALERT
(POSTED 16 05 03) UK citizens are on high alert following warnings about a shady terrorist organisation known as ‘the Government’. The group is reported to be a corrupt totalitarian gang who fill the media with phoney scare stories in order to cover the tracks of their increasingly blundering war crimes. UK citizens are advised to ignore ANY stories about the War on Terror which - Intelligence ‘chatter’ has revealed - is in reality just a corporate fascist scam designed to redirect taxpayers money from healthcare, education and transport infrastructure into the pockets of arms dealers, security ‘experts’ and oil men instead. One source said "it’s vital we don’t surrender to these politicians - we must carry on and live our lives as normal."
Blair backs bid for 2012 Olympics: " with our world class transport system and Millennium Dome expertise I’m confident of a 2nd UN resolution" he drooled.
CLAIRE THE DECKS FOR TONY!
(POSTED 13 05 03) Tony Blair has responded to Claire Short’s accusations that he is a ‘bloodthirsty power crazed freak’ by ordering an immediate Iraq War Victory Parade. Mr Blair explained " I think I’d like to be flown onto the mall in an F16 - like George was - or maybe dropped by parachute onto the roof of Buckingham Palace where I launch into a Brian May style guitar lick to please all my fans. What d’you reckon? MTV could do a live feed! I am at the peak of my powers and the country needs an opportunity to thank me for that. I know it will be a great day out. I mean blimey, 2 months ago you only had to mention the word war and there were millions out on the streets cheering. So come on - let‘s do it!"
Blair allies deny he’s betrayed Labour values: "you can't betray something you never had in the first place." explained one.
NEW LABOUR BOOK BURNING GUIDELINES
(POSTED 08 05 03) Following the suspension of MP George Galloway New Labour has released a policy document on free speech clarifying what can and can’t be said in a democracy. It's also revealed plans for a forthcoming ‘Evening of Book Burning’ at the Millennium Dome where unsuitable books will be ceremonially burned under the scrutiny of Rabid Blunkett, Jack Straw and the Almighty Leader himself. (NB ‘ordinary’ people will be made to queue outside and may not get in). In another new move, citizenship classes are renamed Loyalty Classes and children who speak ill of the government will be caned, spat at by the other children then put in detention centres for ‘re-education’. These moves are a good idea as they will ensure the British electorate don’t turn to more ‘extreme’ or 'right wing' parties.
Donald Rumsfeld denies he arranged deal to sell the North Koreans nuclear processors: "nonsense, I don’t arrange anything - I just take my commission and smile!"
BLAIR - THE MAN
(POSTED 06 05 03) Spin-on-this is delighted to have been granted an exclusive interview with Tony Blair - the man - on his 50th birthday. Here is Mr Blair - the man - in his own words. "You know, a lot of people say to me, fuck off you twisted warmongering Christian fuck. And I respect that. But y’know - I’m judged by a higher power. I answer to a bigger boss than the British public - that’s right, I’m talking about the CIA. So - it ain’t easy. Y’know, people say Tony - what about the kiddies who’s arms and legs are now in a skip thanks to you, you decadent power crazed twat. To them I say - give me a break! I’m paid to take the tough decisions. And - I swear by almighty me - I intend to take them. For I am the kingdom, the power and the glory - Amen."
Private Jessica Lynch has total memory loss: "so no awkward questions about this corny, clearly made-up rescue story then. Neat."
BUSH ‘ WAR OVER - BUT NOT FINISHED’
(POSTED 30 04 03) George W Bush is to make a speech this week declaring that that the war in Iraq is ‘completely over - but not quite finished.’ Bush will go on to say that ‘we have had a great victory in Iraq - but for national security reasons I am unable to tell you the exact nature of that victory. In fact I won’t be able to speak about any of these matters until we’ve won the war. Not that we’re still fighting it. That would be a totally inaccurate impression. I think the best thing would be for us all to forget Iraq ever happened and move on to the next big story. As long as it’s not North Korea. Or 911."
Anti-war hecklers barrack and humiliate Tony Blair: "er, actually that wasn’t a heckler - it was the President of Russia."
MEDIA GRIPPED BY SARS
(POSTED 25 04 03) Britain’s media was today ordered into quarantine after it displayed classic signs of chronic SARS. A senior doctor explained, "SARS fever is easy to spot. The affected journalists stands in a street, eyes glazed over, foaming at the mouth and trying to scare the shit out of the audience." There is only one known cure - wait for the next hysterical non-story to come along, making sure it isn’t about the ongoing war in Iraq or the Baghdad mayhem.
Liam Fox says Tories would ‘put ill people in prison’ - well that’s certainly one way of easing the strain on the NHS.
HERE IS THE NEWS......
(POSTED 23 04 03) The war in Iraq is over and all the people are out on the streets chanting ‘we love Tony Blair’. George Galloway is a bad man - but then so are all anti-war protestors. If you know an anti-war scumbag - call our helpline at the end of the show - it’s time to destroy these traitors! In other news. Tony Blair is the most popular Prime Minister since records began. A specially commissioned poll revealed Blair is now ‘as popular as Maggie Thatcher." Meanwhile the American military is set to dominate the world - a fact welcomed by us all. One coloured chappie said "I can’t wait for the day the white man comes to my country and shoots the fuck out of us all - we need civilising and we need it now!" And finally, to those of you who wrote in demanding to know what’s actually happening in Iraq now - we’ve passed your letters on to the security services.
Daily Telegraph editor claims all his journalists are trustworthy: "yes and to make sure, before I give them the job I insist on seeing their MI6 identity cards."
HAPPY EASTER WAR IS OVER
(POSTED 17 04 03) An appeal has been launched to find the whereabouts of Iraq. Iraq is a country the size of France in the Middle East which was recently in the news quite a bit. Last reports said marines had raided the Baghdad media centre there and were pointing guns at journalists who dared to suggest the war wasn’t actually over. Soon after this raid TV screens across the ‘Western’ world went blank. Since then, stock footage of one smiling Iraqi woman and made up stories about arrested terrorists have replaced live news coverage. One theory is Iraq has been burnt to the ground by the Bush Administration and is shortly to be officially renamed ‘Rag-head Ground Zero’.
The UN is to play a vital role in Iraq: "apparently they’re down to run a hot dog stand outside a Mosque in Basra."
VICTORY DECLARED ‘WHEN MEDIA LEAVE’
(POSTED 15 04 03) George W Bush has confirmed he'll declare victory ‘only when all the journalists go home and leave us to start shooting up those Eye-rakees properly without all the faggoty whining." Bush added "so a kid’s lost his arms and legs? Like Geoff Hoon says - he’ll be thanking us one day. He’ll want to pin a medal on the chest of the guy who bombed him. ‘Cept he won’t be able to pin anything on anyone cos he ain’t got no arms! Just kidding, no offence meant!" A senior military source confirmed "if we don’t report it - it isn’t happening. Iraq is about to disappear off the radar - apart from the phoney ‘democratic meeting’ photo-ops obviously. Welcome to the virtual reality world of corporate fascism - y’all have a nice day now y‘hear!"
Opinion polls say support for the war is growing - what they didn’t say was whether they meant the war on Syria, Iran, Korea or Wales.
ER...JOYOUS SCENES AS KIDS DIE IN LOOTED HOSPITALS!
(POSTED 11 04 03) The media admit they are now sending out ludicrous mixed messages in order to justify the illegal US/UK war crimes in Iraq. When kiddies are killed it is now ‘self defence’. When hospitals are looted it is ‘joyous high spirits’. And when Sharon defies the US to build more settlements - it is...well actually they just don’t bother reporting that. The US military deny they are responsible for a terrible humanitarian disaster in Iraq. A senior military source said "what disaster! We got the oil, the Iraqis got nuthin’ apart from what they can loot - and that’s only if we don’t shoot ’em first. Jeez - can’t you Euro-faggots recognise democracy and freedom when you see it?"
Tony Blair and George W Bush have made broadcasts to the Iraqi people - well the ones whose TVs haven’t been looted and still have electricity.
RULES OF ENGAGEMENT 2
(POSTED 9 04 03) 1 You not embedded - you get en-deaded! 2 US Soldiers ‘bored with shelling statues - do journo hotels instead’. 3 Law of the jungle is the new black! 4 Human life ‘no longer sacred’ under Blunkett/Ridge plan. 5 ‘Fascism’ to be rebranded ‘Freedom’ - launch party in Baghdad soon! George W Bush re Saddam‘s grip on power: "I don't know if it’s all 10 fingers - but finger by finger they’re coming off!" there speaks a true statesman (and mathematician).
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